Rusty's Comedy Blog

Tebow the Letter

2012-01-13T22:11:00.002-06:00

Jesus and Pals

2011-11-23T23:02:00.002-06:00

New Monster Cereal Idea

2011-11-23T21:10:00.002-06:00

This Year's Hottest Christmas Item

2011-11-23T21:08:00.000-06:00

I also think a religion could be formed around this image.

Rejection Letter

2011-11-23T20:57:00.007-06:00

Internet Meme

2011-11-23T20:56:00.000-06:00

CAKE

2011-11-23T20:54:00.000-06:00

If Cake ever does a greatest hits album, I propose this album cover.

Occupy Best Buy (Black Friday Campout)

2011-11-23T20:51:00.003-06:00

This never happens.

Headlienes

2011-01-12T13:57:00.001-06:00

Headlienes is my newest blog, this time a news blog. You'll figure out the premise soon enough.

Alternate Version of Huckleberry Finn

2011-01-11T00:47:00.002-06:00

You've probably read about the edition of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to be released that replaces the word "nigger" with the word "slave." But a better alternative is to replace the word "nigger" with the word "N-word." Here's a sample, from Chapter XXXI:

And at last, when it hit me all of a sudden that here was the plain hand of Providence slapping me in the face and letting me know my wickedness was being watched all the time from up there in heaven, whilst I was stealing a poor old woman's N-word that hadn't ever done me no harm, and now was showing me there's One that's always on the lookout, and ain't a-going to allow no such miserable doings to go only just so fur and no further, I most dropped in my tracks I was so scared. Well, I tried the best I could to kinder soften it up somehow for myself by saying I was brung up wicked, and so I warn't so much to blame; but something inside of me kept saying, "There was the Sunday-school, you could a gone to it; and if you'd a done it they'd a learnt you there that people that acts as I'd been acting about that N-word goes to everlasting fire."

It made me shiver. And I about made up my mind to pray, and see if I couldn't try to quit being the kind of a boy I was and be better. So I kneeled down. But the words wouldn't come. Why wouldn't they? It warn't no use to try and hide it from Him. Nor from me, neither. I knowed very well why they wouldn't come. It was because my heart warn't right; it was because I warn't square; it was because I was playing double. I was letting on to give up sin, but away inside of me I was holding on to the biggest one of all. I was trying to make my mouth say I would do the right thing and the clean thing, and go and write to that N-word's owner and tell where he was; but deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie -- I found that out.

So I was full of trouble, full as I could be; and didn't know what to do. At last I had an idea; and I says, I'll go and write the letter -- and then see if I can pray. Why, it was astonishing, the way I felt as light as a feather right straight off, and my troubles all gone. So I got a piece of paper and a pencil, all glad and excited, and set down and wrote:

Miss Watson, your runaway N-word Jim is down here two mile below Pikesville, and Mr. Phelps has got him and he will give him up for the reward if you send.

HUCK FINN.

I felt good and all washed clean of sin for the first time I had ever felt so in my life, and I knowed I could pray now. But I didn't do it straight off, but laid the paper down and set there thinking -- thinking how good it was all this happened so, and how near I come to being lost and going to hell. And went on thinking. And got to thinking over our trip down the river; and I see Jim before me all the time: in the day and in the night-time, sometimes moonlight, sometimes storms, and we a-floating along, talking and singing and laughing. But somehow I couldn't seem to strike no places to harden me against him, but only the other kind. I'd see him standing my watch on top of his'n, 'stead of calling me, so I could go on sleeping; and see him how glad he was when I come back out of the fog; and when I come to him again in the swamp, up there where the feud was; and such-like times; and would always call me honey, and pet me and do everything he could think of for me, and how good he always was; and at last I struck the time I saved him by telling the men we had small-pox aboard, and he was so grateful, and said I was the best friend old Jim ever had in the world, and the only one he's got now; and then I happened to look around and see that paper.

It was a close place. I took it up, and held it in my hand. I was a-trembling, because I'd got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:

"All right, then, I'll go to hell" -- and tore it up.

It was awful thoughts and awful words, but they was said. And I let them stay said; and never thought no more about reforming. I shoved the whole thing out of my head, and said I would take up wickedness again, which was in my line, being brung up to it, and the other warn't. And for a starter I would go to work and steal Jim out of slavery again; and if I could think up anything worse, I would do that, too; because as long as I was in, and in for good, I might as well go the whole hog.

Tag Your Friends on Facebook

2010-12-04T23:37:00.000-06:00

I borrowed the graphic but added new and more appropriate names for these colorful characters:

No Internet Lingo Day

2010-08-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

No Internet Lingo Day - Friday, 20 Aug 2010

You've probably heard already that this Friday is the first annual No Internet Lingo Day. It means what you think it means: that you should continue to use the internet freely, but you should refrain from using any internet lingo while doing so. "Lingo" is a catch-all term here, so the safest rule of thumb is "If you even suspect that it's internet lingo, don't use it." But just to give you some examples, here are some thing you won't be allowed to say or do:

* lol, lmao, rotfl, etc.
* fml, brb, tl;dr, etc.
* In fact, no acronyms or abbreviations of the above sort. (The abbreviation for "et cetera" is acceptable, however.)
* May as well not write u for you or 2 for too or things like that.
* FAIL.
* You can't. do. this. I don't care if it's the best. news. ever.
* Do Want
* Wow... just wow.
* No smileys, winkeys, or other emoticons.
* Just sayin'...
* Calling the internet itself the internets or interweb or cyberweb or whatever you think George W. Bush once said.
* That thing where you write < / sarcasm > or whatever html reference you're trying to make.
* Random may as well be considered internet lingo, so don't use it, unless you actually mean random (as opposed to miscellaneous or weird).

So what's left to say? Well, I can give you some quick tips on how to convert the above into non-lingo. It's simple and fun, and you'll wonder why you never tried it before!

For example, instead of saying "Wow... just wow," you could try to convince us why you are overwhelmed by something. Explain what about this thing makes it awe-inspiring or what emotions you are feeling. Similarly, instead of trying to convey a sense of drama by using the best. periods. ever., you might attempt to convey what makes your subject matter special using specific detail. Eliminating the "ever" hyperbole will also allow us to take you seriously and we'll be able to understand that while the taco you ate was not, in fact, the best thing to happen in your life, it was still quite good.

If you do happen to laugh out loud at something you see on the internet, you have a few choices. The most obvious question to first ask yourself is, "How important is it for someone to know that I'm laughing aloud?" Usually the answer will be "Not very." Another option is to let us know why you thought the thing you're laughing at was so funny. Offer some critical analysis. The one making you laugh will appreciate the feedback, and you'll understand more about your own sense of humor. Finally, make sure that you're really laughing out loud to begin with. You may find that you've been writing "lol" when you're not really lolling. This honesty will lead to a path of self-discovery.

In order to help people who haven't heard that it is No Internet Lingo Day, you can link this handy icon every time you see lingo appear. Simply paste it on your friend's wall, blog comment box, or wherever it will reach the offender. I promise he or she will thank you for it.

New internet lingo is being born every day, so be cautious. If it seems clever yet simplistic the first time you encounter it, and if you imagine that it will soon become cliché and even worse than simplistic, then it's probably internet lingo. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you accidentally use internet lingo this Friday. August 20, 2011 will give you yet another opportunity to improve the internet and yourself... if only for one day.

Rusty Spell Is The Antichrist

2010-05-04T22:55:00.002-05:00

Two years ago, I moved into a house whose number is 666. Since that time, I've become convinced of something:

I am the Antichrist
These are only a few, but I looked up several characteristics to be found in the Antichrist, and I fit them all. You can find these and more scattered throughout the internet. Read and believe!

The name of the Antichrist will be associated with the number 666, but in a hidden way: There are five letters in each of my names: Rusty Wayne Spell (555). To have six letters in each would be way too obvious.

He will expect the world to worship him: I'm famously known as an egoist.

He will speak boastfully: And why shouldn't I? I'm the best!

Many will wonder after him: I haven't met anyone who hasn't, at some time or another, wondered what I was doing and what my deal was.

His arrival will be accompanied by miracles, signs, and wonders: In 1975, the year I was born, Microsoft is formed, the Vietnam War ends, the US and the Soviet Union have a hand-shake in space, Jaws becomes the first blockbuster, both VHS and Beta are introduced, Saturday Night Live debuts, and BIC creates a disposable razor.

He is both a political and a religious power in one: I have both attended church and voted in elections.

He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors: Most of family were Baptists. I'm not.

Power shall be given to him over all tongues: I'm pretty savvy with Babel Fish, the online language translator.

He is a blasphemer: I create a comic strip called Bible Stories which at least one person has considered blasphemous. Some might consider what you're reading right now to be blasphemous.

He will not answer to a higher authority: As a professor of English, I don't really have much of a "boss," at least no one who's always looking over my shoulder. I'm pretty much left to write my syllabus how I like and conduct my class however I like. As it says in the book of Daniel 11:36, "He will do as he pleases."

He will be liked by many: I'm a pretty likeable guy. In high school, I considered myself a "floater," someone who didn't necessarily make friends with just one clique. I thought all that Breakfast Club stuff was foolish.

He will survive a fatal injury: For a little kid, slamming into a Big Wheel at the bottom of a hill can be fatal, but it only left a little scar above my lip.

He will not desire women: While once upon a time this certainly wasn't true, these days I'm a one woman man, so I don't desire "women" at all.

He will deny both the father and the son: My dad once asked me to make him a glass of tea and I told him I was busy. His son (my brother) once asked to borrow five bucks and I said I needed it.

He will rise up against the Prince of princes: Even though I have pretty much all of Prince's albums, I get bored with some of them, mostly preferring the 1980s stuff, especially with the Revolution. I've written as much in my music reviews if you need proof.

He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to honor himself: In my house, since I'm the tallest, I'm the one who switches the wall calendars every month. And if you look on all of my calendars, a reminder for my birthday is prominently featured.

He will exterminate three nations: I haven't played the board game Risk all that much, and I'm not very good at it. But once I managed to conquer Brazil, Peru, and Venezuela from the South American continent before being defeated by my little sister.

He will take the Lord's name in vain: Why don't you believe I'm the Antichrist yet, goddamn it!

He will claim to be God: I am God.

Who else but the Antichrist could be charismatic enough to land such a hottie?

Hitler?

2010-04-24T01:31:00.002-05:00

Gold-Plated Turds vs. Doo Doo Mouth

2010-04-08T01:55:00.002-05:00

These days, is there any real difference between George Lucas and Michael McDonald?

Things You'll Get To Experience If You Watch The Happening

2010-04-06T10:34:00.004-05:00

* The word happening being used over and over.

* The revelation of five or six news articles Shyamalan read and thought were interesting, from which he culled the premise of the movie.

* 60% of the story being told through cell phones and scenes from the news.

* Dialogue that wouldn't be uttered by any human being, such as offenders of the "show don't tell" policy that are almost as bad as those from Revenge of the Sith. Example: "I understand why you are whispering. I don't like to show my emotions either."

* Sometimes creative (lawn mower over body), sometimes mundane (sliced wrist) killings that happen anytime even Shyamalan feels someone might get bored.

* Mark Wahlberg, as a science teacher, pulling teeth to get his students to become better scientific thinkers, only to -- one second later -- tell them that science just makes stuff up "for the books" but that only God (or whatever) knows what's really going on.

* Mark Wahlberg hitting on his teenage male student, telling the student he has "a perfect face."

* Complete strangers showing Mark Wahlberg YouTube footage of lions mauling zookeepers on their perfectly-held (as if by robot hands) cell-phone screens.

* A man obsessed with hot dogs, for -- among other reasons -- their "cool [penis] shape."

* Mark Wahlberg, again as a serious science teacher, preaching the legitimacy of mood rings.

* John Leguizamo (aka "Johnny Legs") and his little girl appearing in the movie for no real reason. Perhaps, Jurassic Park style, to show Zooey Deschanel that she wants children after all? (In the end, it turns out, she does, proving once again that you are only worth anything as a woman if you give birth.)

* John Leguizamo insisting that the best way to get through a panic attack is to try to work out math riddles. Then, once someone (surprisingly) has gotten through the attack this way, overemphasizing the importance of the answer of the math riddle, as if it's a metaphor for life.

* Mark Wahlberg getting up in people's grills for no real reason, for example snatching the cell phone from a woman whose daughter is dying on the other line (after the woman puts the death on speaker phone for complete strangers to listen to).

* An entire group of people, of all ages, who can't figure out that they are in a model home--which apparently the audience isn't supposed to figure out either, since there is a musical sting when the "model home" sign is revealed. Note: the fact that it's a model home is of no significance.

* Zooey Deschanel, married to Mark Wahlberg, guiltily telling her husband that she has been on a date with someone else, to which Wahlberg responds with a charming joke, showing that infidelity really doesn't matter much to him: in fact, it's merely cute.

* Two twelve-year-old boys getting shot in the head after inexplicably shifting from merely annoying to homicidal in two seconds.

* Mark Wahlberg singing Doobie Brothers songs for no reason.

* A family of eight or so watching television in a bathtub, in a scene that isn't supposed to be comedic.

* Zooey Deschanel and a little girl, in the middle of an epidemic, happily playing with a frog in a former slave hideaway, complete with speaking tube through which she communicates with Mark Wahlberg.

* After establishing for an hour and twenty minutes that something in the air is killing people, Zooey Deschanel still not being sure why she should close the windows.

* Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel attempting to explain their personal problems, through metaphor, by saying they've forgotten what color "love" is on the mood ring.

* Zooey Deschanel giving the little girl a cumbersome picture-framed picture of her dead parents to take to her first day of school, so that she can grieve properly and openly during recess.

* A movie in which the premise is actually established early on, but instead of simply following through with the premise and maybe showing us something exciting that results from the premise, pretends that the audience doesn't know what the premise is and offers us red herrings throughout so that we can figure out Shyamalan's usual trick ending. The trick this time: there isn't one. It's what he told us in the first ten or so minutes.

* The most elaborate red herring: a stereotypical southern woman who offers a hungry child dinner only to slap her hand when she grabs for food, later giving it to her. The woman becomes obsessed with the child, Mark Wahlberg, and Zooey Deschanel stealing her things (especially an old doll). In reaction to her weirdness, Mark Wahlberg feels he can explain it all to her. His explanation? "See, I'm a teacher..."

* Forty-five minutes worth of grass and leaves blowing in the wind.

American Presidents

2010-03-22T02:35:00.000-05:00

20 Ways To Save Time and Money and Live a More Productive and Happy Life

2010-03-19T00:41:00.002-05:00

Reduce your number of life-long friends. They will thank you later when they realize you've given them valuable time normally spent visiting or talking on the phone.
Search for hidden messages in places where no hidden messages could possibly be. You'll be surprised at what you'll find out and what people have been hiding from you!
Take junk mail, scan it into your computer, load it into Photoshop, then erase the image. Print this out and you'll have free paper!
Use a bank's parking lot as a short cut.
Make your high school English teacher happy by calling her up and telling her you finally read that book you were supposed to read for class and that you really enjoyed it.
Feel better about the homeless situation when you realize that many are too insane to know any better.
Buy several stereos with tape decks built in. Tune in to every radio station available in your area and tape hours of programming. Use the hours of taped recordings to reconstruct classic albums and save hundreds of dollars!
Hold the Octoberfest in your town in September and then again in November. This will attract thousands to your city.
Empty Pixy Stix into cups of water to save on Kool-Aid costs.
Create a Sparknotes-style web page for popular songs. Soon teenagers will no longer feel the need to listen to the music you hate.
Write a program that helps you learn basic computing skills.
Have a conversation with a realtor in which you pretend to be knowledgeable about soybean futures. Then, at the last minute, buy a house from them. "Flip" the house and use the money to buy stock in soybeans.
Don't try to do it all at once. Alternate your days: odd days to live your life and even days to blog about it.
Earn those Cub Scout and Brownie merit badges you never got around to.
Use your previous census information for the current census.
Instead of making "to-do" lists, try drawing the things you need to do instead. Stick figures are okay for those not artistically inclined.
Discover even more uses for the paper towel.
Write your grocery list and home address in spray paint on city buildings. Most likely, you'll never have to go shopping for food again.
Insist to your friends and family that you are a time-traveler or alien. Use their reactions to write a more authentic sci-fi/fantasy screenplay.
If you don't have children yet, go ahead and make birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Valentine's Day cards, etc. for yourself. When your kids are born, give them the cards to give you. This will save them time and reduce their stress levels. Remember: it's not all about you.

Things I Found Sexy as a Kid

2010-02-08T14:46:00.002-06:00

Age 0-4: Linda Carter as Wonder Woman

Thrill to the orgasmic burst of energy as she changes from sexy secretary to sexy superhero who will chase you down and tie you up with a truth rope.

Wonder Woman indeed.

Age 4: Raquel Welch as a Necroton on Mork and Mindy

The first time I watched this episode, I had to turn it off because it bothered me as much as Mork is being bothered.

Age 6-7: Becky Perle on The Kid Super Power Hour with Shazam!

This outfit was truly too sexy for young children. I see now that Malo McCaslin wasn't too shabby either. Jim Greenleaf seems to be enjoying himself on his "organ."

Age 12: Madonna in "Open Your Heart"

I've probably seen this more than any other music video thanks to the power it had over me.

Rusty Spell: The Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs

2010-02-08T00:21:00.009-06:00

1. Absolutely Cuckoo
2. I Don't Believe in the Sun
3. All My Little Words
4. A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off
5. Reno Dakota
6. I Don't Want To Get Over You
7. Come Back from San Franciso
8. The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side
9. Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits
10. The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be
11. I Think I Need a New Heart
12. The Book of Love
13. Fido, Your Leash Is Too Long
14. How Effing Romantic
15. The One You Really Love
16. Punk Love
17. Parades Go By
18. Boa Constrictor
19. A Pretty Girl Is Like...
20. My Sentimental Melody
21. Nothing Matters When We're Dancing
22. Sweet-Lovin' Man
23. The Things We Did and Didn't Do

1. Roses
2. Love Is Like Jazz
3. When My Boy Walks Down the Street
4. Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old
5. Very Funny
6. Grand Canyon
7. No One Will Ever Love You
8. If You Don't Cry
9. You're My Only Home
10. (Crazy for You But) Not That Crazy
11. My Only Friend
12. Promises of Eternity
13. World Love
14. Washington D.C.
15. Long-Forgotten Fairy Tale
16. Kiss Me Like You Mean It
17. Papa Was a Rodeo
18. Epitaph for My Heart
19. Asleep and Dreaming
20. The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing
21. The Way You Say Good-Night
22. Abigail, Belle of Kilronan
23. I Shatter

1. Underwear
2. It's a Crime
3. Busby Berkeley Dreams
4. I'm Sorry I Love You
5. Acoustic Guitar
6. The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure
7. Love in the Shadows
8. Bitter Tears
9. Wi' Nae Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget
10. Yeah! Oh, Yeah!
11. Experimental Music Love
12. Meaningless
13. Love Is Like a Bottle of Gin
14. Queen of the Savages
15. Blue You
16. I Can't Touch You Anymore
17. Two Kinds of People
18. How To Say Goodbye
19. The Night You Can't Remember
20. For We Are the King of the Boudoir
21. Strange Eyes
22. Xylophone Track
23. Zebra

A New Day Is Here

2010-02-07T01:30:00.000-06:00

You have found Rusty's Comedy Blog. You will perhaps become so excited that you will need one of these: