Rusty's Comedy Blog
Because life is a parody of something that must exist somewhere.
15 October 2017
Thank you very much. You know, I've been here before. You do know that. How embarrassing. Before the big day on November 8th, I was here. And, Tony, tremendous guy. Who's Tony? Oh, and my African American. Look at him. And I'm being followed by Mr. Bennett -- you know that, right? And I've been watching him say nice things about me before I knew him. Those are the ones I like -- where they speak well of you before you know them. Right? Before they learn that you're dead inside. The best.
It’s great to be back here with so many friends at the 2017 Values Voter Summit, or whatever year this is, and we know what that means. We know what that means. We know what that means. It means next to nothing, because if you can vote for me and still claim you have values, then the word is meaningless. You know what that means. And you do know that. America is a nation of believers, even the increasing number of nonbelievers, and together we are strengthened and sustained by the power of prayer. Look at all the good thoughts and prayers have done for guns and hurricanes. Unbelievable. You know what that means. But values.
As we gather for this tremendous event, our hearts remain sad and heavy for the victims of the horrific mass murder last week in Las Vegas. It was an act of pure evil, but there were some bad hombres in that crowd, and there was evil on many sides. Which is why we needed that man to have those guns, which was his second amendment right.
But in the wake of such horror, we also witnessed the true character of our nation. Our love for guns above all. A mother laid on top of her daughter to shield her from gunfire. A husband died to protect his beloved wife. But they wouldn't have had to if they had just brought their guns. Strangers rescued strangers, police officers -- and you saw that, all of those incredible police officers, how brave they were, how great they were running into fire. It makes you forget for a moment how many of them shoot the blacks and why those sons of bitches kneel at the NFL halftimes.
The men and women who risked their lives to save their fellow citizens gave proof to the words of this scripture: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it," which I am told is from the Bible, which is my second-favorite book next to my own and that one I read in junior high that had a picture of titties that someone had drawn.
All of America is praying for the wounded and the grieving, and we will be with them today and we will be with them forever. I'm having an out-of-body experience right now, in fact. Just want to finish by saying that -- really, and we understand it was so horrific to watch and so terrible -- but to those who lost the ones they love: We know that we cannot erase your pain, but we promise to never, ever leave your side. Whenever you try to grieve, you will see my face right there. Right next to your grieving face. Breathing.
We also stand with the millions of people who have suffered from the massive fires, which are right now raging in California, and the catastrophic hurricanes along the Gulf Coast, in Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands. And I will tell you, I left Texas, and I left Florida, and I left Louisiana. I left them good. I left them like a bitch. And I went to Puerto Rico, and I met with the president of the Virgin Islands, because there is a president of the Virgin Islands, and he is not me, because I don't understand islands, whether those or Puerto Rico or Hawaii, which I think is a small island in Kenya.
These are people that are incredible people. They've suffered gravely, and we'll be there. We're going to be there. We have, really -- it's not even a question of a choice. We don't even want a choice. In fact, I guess I don't have a choice, because I said we couldn't be there forever, and now I'm saying this other thing, so what am I talking about? We're going to be there as Americans, because they're not Americans because they are brown and live on islands, and we love those people and what they've gone through. Yes, we love what they've gone through. And they're all healing, and their states and territories are healing, and they're healing rapidly. Because of me. Unbelievable.
In the wake of the terrible tragedies of the past several weeks, the American people have responded with goodness and generosity, and bravery. You've seen it. Buying more guns, boycotting the NFL, watching me on TV. You've seen it.
When America is unified, no force on Earth can break us apart, not even me. We love our families. We love our neighbors. We love shooting them. Everyone here today is brought together by the same shared and timeless values of being white and hating the gays. We cherish the sacred dignity of every human white penis.
We believe in strong families and safe communities, free of the blacks. We honor the dignity of work, unlike the blacks. We defend our Constitution, whatever that is. Something with amendments. We protect religious liberty for Christians. We are proud of our racist history and we make statues to prove it.
We respect our great American flag. I once tried to fuck a flag. I moved on it like a bitch, and it was married. Unbelievable.
And we stand united behind the customs, beliefs, and traditions that define who we are as a nation and as a people. We stand behind presidential candidates who are women and creep around them, making them feel strange during debates. We make up nicknames.
The American Founders invoked our Creator four times in the Declaration of Independence -- four times. How times have changed. These days, when you read the Declaration of Independence, it is only in there two times. But you know what, now they're changing back again. Just remember that. I'm hoping to get it up to six by the end of the year. Believe me.
Religious liberty is enshrined in the very first amendment of the Bill of Rights. And we all pledge allegiance to -- very, very beautifully -- “one nation under God.” Thanks to the beautiful communist scare of the 1950s, which is when we added God to the pledge. I was a kid, so I should know. Everyone my age should know, but they pretend not to. So beautiful. So cute.
This is America’s heritage, a country that never forgets that we are all -- all, every one of us -- made by the same God in Heaven. We forget everything else. Though I'm not so sure about the blacks, because we all know that God is white, and the Bible -- I'm told -- said that God made us in his image, and the blacks don't look a thing like me. Not a thing like me.
When I came to speak with you last year, I made you a promise. Well, one of the promises I made you was that I’d come back. See? And I don't even need your vote this year, right? That's even nicer. Look at how sincere I am, you assholes. You shitty Christians. If you're lucky, I'll read from Two Corinthians.
And I'll ask Tony and all our people that do such a great job in putting this event together -- can I take next year off or not? Or do I have to be back? I don't know. I don't even know if I'm here right now. I think I entered some sort of fugue state when I won the Republican nomination, and I'm having trouble deciding what reality is. Did I fuck my daughter while she slept this morning or not? Who can say?
In the last 10 months, we have followed through on one promise after another. I didn't have a schedule, but if I did have a schedule, I would say we are substantially ahead of schedule. Of course, I did have a schedule, and I said I'd do lots of the things on day one. By now, we should have a wall paid for by Mexico, and Crooked Hillary should be in jail. Obamacare should be repealed and replaced. But we are so ahead of schedule and under budget. Believe me.
To protect the unborn, I have reinstated a policy first put in place by President Ronald Reagan, which was making access to birth control more difficult so we could have more abortions. To protect religious liberty, including protecting groups like this one, I signed a new executive action in a beautiful ceremony at the White House on our National Day of Prayer -- which day we made official. They'd never had one before me. Never. Unbelievable.
Among many historic steps, the executive order followed through on one of my most important campaign promises to so many of you: to prevent the horrendous Johnson Amendment from interfering with your First Amendment rights to not pay taxes while also controlling politics. Thank you. We will not allow government workers to censor sermons or target our pastors or our ministers or rabbis or whatever they're called. Sharias? I don't really know.
Just last week, based on this executive action, the Department of Justice issued a new guidance to all federal agencies to ensure that no religious group is ever targeted under my administration. It won't happen. You are now free to practice whatever believe you have, whether it is denying gay people the right to be humans or the freedom to have abortions without telling anyone like I do with my mistresses.
We are stopping cold the attacks on Judeo-Christian values. The ones that have been so under attack since the beginning, when the Muslims tried to assassinate George Washington. And something I've said so much during the last two years, but I'll say it again as we approach the end of the year. You know, we're getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don't talk about anymore. Seriously. You never hear about Christmas. They're not already shoving Halloween decorations out of the way to make room for the Christmas stuff. It's just not there.
They don't use the word "Christmas" because it's not politically correct. And you know who "they" are. You go to department stores, and they'll say, "Happy New Year" and they'll say other things. I won't go to the mall, because they're full of germs, so I'm guessing. And it will be red, they'll have it painted, but they don't say it. My penis is also painted red, and I call it Mary Christmas. Well, guess what? We're saying “Merry Christmas” again. This is what your religion is all about, right? Forcing babies to be born, hating gay people, and saying two words for four months out of the year. I love this country and I love your weird religion that got me elected.
And as a Christmas gift to all of our hardworking families, we hope Congress will pass massive tax cuts for the American rich people. Because we know that the American family is the true bedrock of American life. This is why I get married so much and have so many oddball children. So true.
You saw what we did yesterday with respect to healthcare. Respect. It's step by step by step. Unless you need crutches. And that was a very big step yesterday. Not a baby step, because I'm not a toddler like they're saying. I take big boy steps. Another big step was taken the day before yesterday. And one by one it's going to come down, and we're going to have great healthcare in our country. We're going to have great healthcare in our country. I said something vague twice instead of saying something specific once. We're taking a little different route than we had hoped, because getting Congress -- they forgot what their pledges were, you know, those mobster loyalty pledges I like so much. So we're going a little different route. But you know what? In the end, in the rear end, it's going to be just as effective, and maybe it will even be better. I mean, who knows?
Bureaucrats think they can run your lives, overrule your values, meddle in your faith, and tell you how to live, what to say, and how to pray. But we know that parents, not bureaucrats, know best how to raise their children and create a thriving society. This is why they don't allow parents in Washington D.C. I'm not a parent either. This is why I can fuck my daughter, because she isn't really my daughter. Or maybe I didn't do that anyway. Did I? Someone tell me, but I won't believe you unless you say I didn't, because someone said it was wrong, but that was their opinion.
We know that faith and prayer, not federal regulation -- and, by the way, we are cutting regulations at a clip that nobody has ever seen before. Nobody. But what was I saying about faith and prayer, not federal regulation? Oh yeah, I remember. The two aren't connected at all, so I'm just saying words that I know you like. Did you like those? Because I'm a fan.
We know that it's the family and the church, not government officials, that know best how to create strong and loving communities. This is why we will be asking your young children to fix those potholes on the highway, your little babies to write budget proposals. Above all else, we know this: In America, we don't worship government -- we worship God. Even the atheists. They also worship God. Oh, they worship God. Don't let them tell you they don't. Why are they talking about them all the time unless they worship him? Him, right? Not her. I don't remember, but you do. Because you don't worship government. How do you worship government? I don't know, but some people do, but we don't. Believe me.
Inspired by that conviction, we are returning moral clarity to our view of the world and the many grave challenges we face. That's why you voted for me: a guy who dumps his wives when they gets too old, even though he cheats on her anyway while he's married, a guy who spends his money on moral things like gold building and abortions for those mistresses and sometimes even wives. A guy who makes fun of people with disabilities and POWs. Unbelievable. You know I have a good moral center. So good. The best. I also like to look at naked teenager beauty queens, but that's just locker room talk when I'm looking at their naked bodies.
This afternoon, in a little while, I'll be giving a speech on Iran, a terrorist nation like few others. Just a few. Someone will tell me which few. And I think you're going to find it very interesting. Do you like how I'm always teasing the future? Nothing happens in the future, so I just tease it so it looks like things are happening. So great.
In this administration, we will call evil by its name. Killary. We are defending our borders, protecting our workers, and enforcing our laws. You see it every single day like you haven't seen it in many, many years -- if you've seen it at all. I'm pretty sure Obama robbed a liquor store. I think you know what I mean. I think you know what I mean.
In protecting America’s interests abroad, we will always support our cherished friend and partner, the State of Israel. Jews. I love the Jews. Who doesn't love Jews more than I do? We will confront the dangers that imperil our nation, our allies, and the world, including the threat of radical Islamic terrorism, and we won't let them recruit Jews. Or any more of our hardworking blacks.
We have made great strides against ISIS -- tremendous strides. I don't know if you've seen what's going on, but tremendous strides against ISIS. They never got hit like this before. Even President Bush didn't do to ISIS what we're doing. And Obama, he called them ISIL, which is not even the right letter. What a son of a bitch.
But they've been just ruthless and they've ruthlessly slaughtered innocent Christians, along with the vicious killing of innocent Muslims and other religious minorities--I mean, if there is such a thing as an innocent Muslim, I don't know, but I saw them celebration at the 711 when the buildings went down. And we've made their lives very, very difficult -- believe me. They don't live in the most beautiful apartment you've ever seen, thanks to me. Believe me.
We've done more against ISIS in nine months than the previous administration has done during its whole administration -- by far, by far. Sure, it didn't really exist until about 2014, but you know what I mean. Obama is a Muslim anyway, from Kenya, even though he was born in America. Period. You know what I mean. Believe me.
All of these bad actors share a common enemy, the one force they cannot stop, the force deep within our souls, and that is the power of hope. Like the one Obama gave, but this time from me, and Trump hope is like a Trump building or a Trump wall. Unbelievable. That is why, in addition to our great military might, our enemies truly fear the United States. Because our people never lose faith, never give in, and always hope for a better tomorrow. Because enemies fear hope. Whenever bad guys come around, I just hope at them and they go away. Like in my nightmares, and I have many nightmares at night, believe me. Just tremendous nightmares. You wouldn't believe.
We see this spirit in the men and women who selflessly enlist in our armed forces and, really, who go out and risk their lives for God and for country or whatever drives you stupid people. I know it's not money. You don't care about money. I've got enough for the all of us. And we see it in the mothers and the fathers who get up at the crack of dawn; they work two jobs and sometimes three jobs. Isn't that the American way? Unbelievable. This is my first job. It's hard, but that's why I barely do it. I just throw things around and make people clean up my diaper. They love to smell the shit on me. They put it on TV. Can you believe it? I can't, but there it is. Fake news. My diaper shit. But there it is, and it really happened, because my butt hole is itching right now because I am in great need of changing.
They sacrifice every day for the furniture and -- future of their children. I was thinking of furniture again, like the kind I bought for that woman I wanted to fuck. I moved on her like a bitch. But you know the story, but these families--they have to go out. They go out. They work. The future of their children is everything to them. And the furniture, which they won't have unless they fuck me. I would fuck every mother in America, except the ones that are ugly. But I would fuck them, even them, for America. I would, and you know it. For the furniture. Believe me. They put it before everything. They really put it out. And they make sure that the future of their children has God involved in it. So important to them, for some reason. I buy moms furniture and fuck them and then give them the abortions they need. Believe me.
We see it in the church communities that come together to care for one another, to pray for each other, and to stand strong with each other in times of need. What is church? Tell me one day.
The people who grace our lives, and fill our homes with gold, and build our Trump towers are the true strength of our nation. As long as we have pride in our country, confidence in our future, and faith in our God, then America will prevail. We can really grab the rest of the world by the pussy with fire, fury, and -- frankly -- power.
We will defeat every evil, every fake news, every CNN, every Lyin' Ted and Little Marco out there. We will defend our faith and protect our traditions, just like all the ones that no one is trying to take away. We will protect the tradition of pretending that white Christian men are persecuted. We will find the best in each other and in ourselves. We will pass on the blessings of liberty, and the glories of God, to our children. The ones I don't abort with my payout money. Our values will endure, our nation will thrive, our citizens will flourish, and our freedom will triumph, and I will grab them by the pussy.
Thank you to the Value Voter Summit. Such an incredible group of people you are. So cute. I just kiss. Thank you to all of the faithful here today. And thank you to the people of faith all across our nation and all over the world and to the people who didn't get captured in the war. Thank you for your Tic-Tacs and for letting me look at your naked teenage daughters.
May God bless you. May God bless the United States of America. Thank you very much, everybody. Have a good time.
05 May 2017
Regular militaries and regular police scare me enough. This chapter is about paramilitaries, those groups of assholes with guns who begin some little ragtag outfit and then (if the worst happens) become the real deal. Like Trump's goons at rallies or those guys who take it upon themselves to "protect the border" or that church that felt it needed its own police or any person who seems to be looking forward a day when the United States becomes a wild west shootout.
I'm certainly "wary" of this, though I admit I don't know what I can do about it much.
20 April 2017
Lesson 5: Remember Professional Ethics
This lesson has to do with being ethical in your job. If Hitler, for example, asks a bureaucrat to do his paperwork for him involving murder, the bureaucrat should say "No." As Snyder says, "There's no such thing as 'just following orders.' "
I'm trying to imagine a situation in my own job (a professor of English) where I might be asked by a political leader to do something I would consider unethical. I guess in my situation it would be something like the government asking for information about students they have no business having? I admit that I'm lacking imagination in this area, since (I guess) I don't like to imagine anything horrible happening. Let's hope I don't have to look back at this entry in the future and realize how naive I was.
11 April 2017
Lesson 4: Take Responsibility for the Face of the World
This lesson is about symbols and presentation. Swastikas are the most famous symbolic example from the chapter. For me personally, as a guy who was born in Mississippi and who lived there for almost thirty years, it pains me that the state flag still has a symbol of racism and ignorance (the Confederate battle flag) on it. This chapter encourages me, more than ever, to do what I can to fight to have that stupid flag changed. "Do not get used to them," Snyder writes of these sorts of symbols. Unfortunately, "tradition" (being comfortable with the thing you're used to, whether it's good or bad) seems to be the #1 thing stopping this simple and obvious change.
I would also like to write about the online presentation of ourselves. It took me a long time to realize and admit that our lives online are not separate from our "real life." They are part of our real life, and it is a part of our lives that possibly reaches more people than our flesh-life. So when someone changes their profile picture in support of something (the rainbow flag for an LGBT issue, for example) or when someone uses hashtags like #BlackLivesMatter, this should not be dismissed as "slacktivism." This is us revealing who we are and attempting to change the face of the world (online or otherwise) for the better. (If nothing else, I can promise you that at least two or three of your friends really need to see that you are on their side.)
Timothy Snyder, in the book, writes, "Life is political, not because the world cares about how you feel, but because the world reacts to what you do. The minor choices we make our themselves a kind of vote... In the politics of the everyday, our words and gestures, or their absence, count very much." I would argue that how I present myself, whether online or face-to-face, is even more important than a vote. I can only vote once, but in presenting myself in a positive way, I can influence (at the least) hundreds or thousands of people. I don't usually think of myself as any kind of example, but we all are examples to other people (friends and family, but also strangers) whether we want to be or not.
06 April 2017
It's the only thing worse than the two-party state.
Although I understand the argument for practical and realistic voting (my own #1 priority was to vote the hell against Trump), I defend those who voted for a third party in the last election, and I'm happy that third parties are getting more attention these days. I think it's sad that Bernie Sanders had to run as a Democrat instead of what he actually is.
But third parties aren't really the point of this lesson. What we fear is no choice at all. Snyder notes that the less popular of the two political parties currently controls everything on the federal level, which is scary for -- you know -- people. As Snyder puts it, such a party "must either fear democracy or weaken it."
Trump's fear of the press (and the first amendment in general) demonstrates this fear of the people, as does Mitch McConnell's lies in 2016 about wanting "the people" to have a say in who gets to be on the Supreme Court (forgetting, apparently, that the people elected Obama to appoint Merrick Garland) followed by his insistence that his party be listened to when it comes to Neil Gorsuch. Just to list two examples. I could go on, of course.
Snyder encourages readers to run for office. Things have gotten so bad that I've almost considered it. (I can think of only a few worse jobs for me.) In Alabama, where I live, much of my ballot is filled with Republicans running unopposed. A placeholder person who does nothing in office would often be better than those who actively do so much damage. (Have you kept up with Alabama politics lately?)
This is a grim chapter, with Snyder questioning whether there will even be an election in 2018. From what he's learned from history, you never know when you might be voting for the last time.
05 April 2017
When I was a kid, I thought institutions were ever-present, indestructible, and run by responsible adults who knew what they were doing. Turns out, it's just a bunch of people. Everything is fragile, and anything can happen.
When Trump won the presidency, a common refrain was that "they" weren't going to let him break too much. The "they" here meant the smart people Trump would surround himself with (ha!), the other branches of government, whatever. Fortunately, some of those "they" (notably the judicial branch) are doing a great job, but it is only because "we" are supporting "they."
I'm trying to be a part of this defense of our best institutions in my small way. I'm also realizing how much institutions can be eaten from the inside out. The so-called "Alt-Right," a group of internet troll white supremacists and woman-haters, have made their way into these institutions, so that we now have to defend our home against these deadly insects. It's not as if these guys are super-smart masterminds; they're just a group of assholes. But here they are, and now we have to deal with them, else they'll just have their way.
This is what I mean by "just a bunch of people." There's nothing magical about the institutions themselves.
04 April 2017
Timothy Snyder published a very short (126 small-size pages) book in February called On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century. It compares the evils of the current administration to the tyranny we saw in Twentieth Century Europe and gives us twenty practical lessons for what we can do to resist the rise of tyranny in our own country, no matter who the president is.
I was so impressed by it that I decided to write a small blog entry for each lesson in the book, connecting it to my own life and ideas. In general, I tend to write a lot rather than a little, but I will attempt to keep each entry short, hoping that my posts don't become longer than the book itself.
Lesson 1: Do Not Obey in Advance
This one was initially confusing to me. Why would someone obey a tyrant before he even gives the command? Snyder explains that, in the beginning, this could simply mean adapting to a new situation too easily. It's that moment we've almost all experienced where something feels weird or wrong to you, but you do it anyway because that seems to be the new way and what can you do about it? Going along with rules simply because they are rules, without questioning them or even understanding them. (This happened to me more in childhood than in my adult life.) Or maybe resisting at first but then going along eventually because everyone else is doing it.
The more extreme version is anticipating what the tyrant wants and giving it to him before he asks, which Snyder describes as "teaching power what it can do."
This is why, for the current administration, we have to constantly fight back against things we know go against our values. As has been said many times, we can never accept perversions as "the new normal." My biggest problem personally in this area is (1) it becomes tiring very quickly when I simply want to live my life and (2) like most humans, I am able to adapt to new situations (even bad ones) quickly. The two things are almost the same, of course. So I try to give myself daily reminders that we are currently living in Hell instead of saying "This is fine." This series of blog entries is one of those reminders.
This is a good time to decide what you stand for as a human being, then prepare yourself to never cross the line you have drawn for yourself. To do otherwise is to set yourself up for simply throwing up your hands (or worse) later, which is obeying in advance.