Because life is a parody of something that must exist somewhere.

04 May 2010

Rusty Spell Is The Antichrist

Two years ago, I moved into a house whose number is 666. Since that time, I've become convinced of something:

I am the Antichrist

These are only a few, but I looked up several characteristics to be found in the Antichrist, and I fit them all. You can find these and more scattered throughout the internet. Read and believe!

The name of the Antichrist will be associated with the number 666, but in a hidden way: There are five letters in each of my names: Rusty Wayne Spell (555). To have six letters in each would be way too obvious.

He will expect the world to worship him: I'm famously known as an egoist.

He will speak boastfully: And why shouldn't I? I'm the best!

Many will wonder after him: I haven't met anyone who hasn't, at some time or another, wondered what I was doing and what my deal was.

His arrival will be accompanied by miracles, signs, and wonders: In 1975, the year I was born, Microsoft is formed, the Vietnam War ends, the US and the Soviet Union have a hand-shake in space, Jaws becomes the first blockbuster, both VHS and Beta are introduced, Saturday Night Live debuts, and BIC creates a disposable razor.

He is both a political and a religious power in one: I have both attended church and voted in elections.

He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors: Most of family were Baptists. I'm not.

Power shall be given to him over all tongues: I'm pretty savvy with Babel Fish, the online language translator.

He is a blasphemer: I create a comic strip called Bible Stories which at least one person has considered blasphemous. Some might consider what you're reading right now to be blasphemous.

He will not answer to a higher authority: As a professor of English, I don't really have much of a "boss," at least no one who's always looking over my shoulder. I'm pretty much left to write my syllabus how I like and conduct my class however I like. As it says in the book of Daniel 11:36, "He will do as he pleases."

He will be liked by many: I'm a pretty likeable guy. In high school, I considered myself a "floater," someone who didn't necessarily make friends with just one clique. I thought all that Breakfast Club stuff was foolish.

He will survive a fatal injury: For a little kid, slamming into a Big Wheel at the bottom of a hill can be fatal, but it only left a little scar above my lip.

He will not desire women: While once upon a time this certainly wasn't true, these days I'm a one woman man, so I don't desire "women" at all.

He will deny both the father and the son: My dad once asked me to make him a glass of tea and I told him I was busy. His son (my brother) once asked to borrow five bucks and I said I needed it.

He will rise up against the Prince of princes: Even though I have pretty much all of Prince's albums, I get bored with some of them, mostly preferring the 1980s stuff, especially with the Revolution. I've written as much in my music reviews if you need proof.

He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to honor himself: In my house, since I'm the tallest, I'm the one who switches the wall calendars every month. And if you look on all of my calendars, a reminder for my birthday is prominently featured.

He will exterminate three nations: I haven't played the board game Risk all that much, and I'm not very good at it. But once I managed to conquer Brazil, Peru, and Venezuela from the South American continent before being defeated by my little sister.

He will take the Lord's name in vain: Why don't you believe I'm the Antichrist yet, goddamn it!

He will claim to be God: I am God.

Who else but the Antichrist could be charismatic enough to land such a hottie?