Because life is a parody of something that must exist somewhere.

19 March 2010

20 Ways To Save Time and Money and Live a More Productive and Happy Life

  1. Reduce your number of life-long friends. They will thank you later when they realize you've given them valuable time normally spent visiting or talking on the phone.
  2. Search for hidden messages in places where no hidden messages could possibly be. You'll be surprised at what you'll find out and what people have been hiding from you!
  3. Take junk mail, scan it into your computer, load it into Photoshop, then erase the image. Print this out and you'll have free paper!
  4. Use a bank's parking lot as a short cut.
  5. Make your high school English teacher happy by calling her up and telling her you finally read that book you were supposed to read for class and that you really enjoyed it.
  6. Feel better about the homeless situation when you realize that many are too insane to know any better.
  7. Buy several stereos with tape decks built in. Tune in to every radio station available in your area and tape hours of programming. Use the hours of taped recordings to reconstruct classic albums and save hundreds of dollars!
  8. Hold the Octoberfest in your town in September and then again in November. This will attract thousands to your city.
  9. Empty Pixy Stix into cups of water to save on Kool-Aid costs.
  10. Create a Sparknotes-style web page for popular songs. Soon teenagers will no longer feel the need to listen to the music you hate.
  11. Write a program that helps you learn basic computing skills.
  12. Have a conversation with a realtor in which you pretend to be knowledgeable about soybean futures. Then, at the last minute, buy a house from them. "Flip" the house and use the money to buy stock in soybeans.
  13. Don't try to do it all at once. Alternate your days: odd days to live your life and even days to blog about it.
  14. Earn those Cub Scout and Brownie merit badges you never got around to.
  15. Use your previous census information for the current census.
  16. Instead of making "to-do" lists, try drawing the things you need to do instead. Stick figures are okay for those not artistically inclined.
  17. Discover even more uses for the paper towel.
  18. Write your grocery list and home address in spray paint on city buildings. Most likely, you'll never have to go shopping for food again.
  19. Insist to your friends and family that you are a time-traveler or alien. Use their reactions to write a more authentic sci-fi/fantasy screenplay.
  20. If you don't have children yet, go ahead and make birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Valentine's Day cards, etc. for yourself. When your kids are born, give them the cards to give you. This will save them time and reduce their stress levels. Remember: it's not all about you.