Because life is a parody of something that must exist somewhere.

04 December 2010

Tag Your Friends on Facebook

I borrowed the graphic but added new and more appropriate names for these colorful characters:

18 August 2010

No Internet Lingo Day

No Internet Lingo Day - Friday, 20 Aug 2010

You've probably heard already that this Friday is the first annual No Internet Lingo Day. It means what you think it means: that you should continue to use the internet freely, but you should refrain from using any internet lingo while doing so. "Lingo" is a catch-all term here, so the safest rule of thumb is "If you even suspect that it's internet lingo, don't use it." But just to give you some examples, here are some thing you won't be allowed to say or do:

* lol, lmao, rotfl, etc.
* fml, brb, tl;dr, etc.
* In fact, no acronyms or abbreviations of the above sort. (The abbreviation for "et cetera" is acceptable, however.)
* May as well not write u for you or 2 for too or things like that.
* You can't. do. this. I don't care if it's the best. news. ever.
* Do Want
* Wow... just wow.
* No smileys, winkeys, or other emoticons.
* Just sayin'...
* Calling the internet itself the internets or interweb or cyberweb or whatever you think George W. Bush once said.
* That thing where you write < / sarcasm > or whatever html reference you're trying to make.
* Random may as well be considered internet lingo, so don't use it, unless you actually mean random (as opposed to miscellaneous or weird).

So what's left to say? Well, I can give you some quick tips on how to convert the above into non-lingo. It's simple and fun, and you'll wonder why you never tried it before!

For example, instead of saying "Wow... just wow," you could try to convince us why you are overwhelmed by something. Explain what about this thing makes it awe-inspiring or what emotions you are feeling. Similarly, instead of trying to convey a sense of drama by using the best. periods. ever., you might attempt to convey what makes your subject matter special using specific detail. Eliminating the "ever" hyperbole will also allow us to take you seriously and we'll be able to understand that while the taco you ate was not, in fact, the best thing to happen in your life, it was still quite good.

If you do happen to laugh out loud at something you see on the internet, you have a few choices. The most obvious question to first ask yourself is, "How important is it for someone to know that I'm laughing aloud?" Usually the answer will be "Not very." Another option is to let us know why you thought the thing you're laughing at was so funny. Offer some critical analysis. The one making you laugh will appreciate the feedback, and you'll understand more about your own sense of humor. Finally, make sure that you're really laughing out loud to begin with. You may find that you've been writing "lol" when you're not really lolling. This honesty will lead to a path of self-discovery.

In order to help people who haven't heard that it is No Internet Lingo Day, you can link this handy icon every time you see lingo appear. Simply paste it on your friend's wall, blog comment box, or wherever it will reach the offender. I promise he or she will thank you for it.

New internet lingo is being born every day, so be cautious. If it seems clever yet simplistic the first time you encounter it, and if you imagine that it will soon become cliché and even worse than simplistic, then it's probably internet lingo. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you accidentally use internet lingo this Friday. August 20, 2011 will give you yet another opportunity to improve the internet and yourself... if only for one day.

04 May 2010

Rusty Spell Is The Antichrist

Two years ago, I moved into a house whose number is 666. Since that time, I've become convinced of something:

I am the Antichrist

These are only a few, but I looked up several characteristics to be found in the Antichrist, and I fit them all. You can find these and more scattered throughout the internet. Read and believe!

The name of the Antichrist will be associated with the number 666, but in a hidden way: There are five letters in each of my names: Rusty Wayne Spell (555). To have six letters in each would be way too obvious.

He will expect the world to worship him: I'm famously known as an egoist.

He will speak boastfully: And why shouldn't I? I'm the best!

Many will wonder after him: I haven't met anyone who hasn't, at some time or another, wondered what I was doing and what my deal was.

His arrival will be accompanied by miracles, signs, and wonders: In 1975, the year I was born, Microsoft is formed, the Vietnam War ends, the US and the Soviet Union have a hand-shake in space, Jaws becomes the first blockbuster, both VHS and Beta are introduced, Saturday Night Live debuts, and BIC creates a disposable razor.

He is both a political and a religious power in one: I have both attended church and voted in elections.

He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors: Most of family were Baptists. I'm not.

Power shall be given to him over all tongues: I'm pretty savvy with Babel Fish, the online language translator.

He is a blasphemer: I create a comic strip called Bible Stories which at least one person has considered blasphemous. Some might consider what you're reading right now to be blasphemous.

He will not answer to a higher authority: As a professor of English, I don't really have much of a "boss," at least no one who's always looking over my shoulder. I'm pretty much left to write my syllabus how I like and conduct my class however I like. As it says in the book of Daniel 11:36, "He will do as he pleases."

He will be liked by many: I'm a pretty likeable guy. In high school, I considered myself a "floater," someone who didn't necessarily make friends with just one clique. I thought all that Breakfast Club stuff was foolish.

He will survive a fatal injury: For a little kid, slamming into a Big Wheel at the bottom of a hill can be fatal, but it only left a little scar above my lip.

He will not desire women: While once upon a time this certainly wasn't true, these days I'm a one woman man, so I don't desire "women" at all.

He will deny both the father and the son: My dad once asked me to make him a glass of tea and I told him I was busy. His son (my brother) once asked to borrow five bucks and I said I needed it.

He will rise up against the Prince of princes: Even though I have pretty much all of Prince's albums, I get bored with some of them, mostly preferring the 1980s stuff, especially with the Revolution. I've written as much in my music reviews if you need proof.

He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to honor himself: In my house, since I'm the tallest, I'm the one who switches the wall calendars every month. And if you look on all of my calendars, a reminder for my birthday is prominently featured.

He will exterminate three nations: I haven't played the board game Risk all that much, and I'm not very good at it. But once I managed to conquer Brazil, Peru, and Venezuela from the South American continent before being defeated by my little sister.

He will take the Lord's name in vain: Why don't you believe I'm the Antichrist yet, goddamn it!

He will claim to be God: I am God.

Who else but the Antichrist could be charismatic enough to land such a hottie?

08 April 2010

Gold-Plated Turds vs. Doo Doo Mouth

These days, is there any real difference between George Lucas and Michael McDonald?

06 April 2010

Things You'll Get To Experience If You Watch The Happening

* The word happening being used over and over.

* The revelation of five or six news articles Shyamalan read and thought were interesting, from which he culled the premise of the movie.

* 60% of the story being told through cell phones and scenes from the news.

* Dialogue that wouldn't be uttered by any human being, such as offenders of the "show don't tell" policy that are almost as bad as those from Revenge of the Sith. Example: "I understand why you are whispering. I don't like to show my emotions either."

* Sometimes creative (lawn mower over body), sometimes mundane (sliced wrist) killings that happen anytime even Shyamalan feels someone might get bored.

* Mark Wahlberg, as a science teacher, pulling teeth to get his students to become better scientific thinkers, only to -- one second later -- tell them that science just makes stuff up "for the books" but that only God (or whatever) knows what's really going on.

* Mark Wahlberg hitting on his teenage male student, telling the student he has "a perfect face."

* Complete strangers showing Mark Wahlberg YouTube footage of lions mauling zookeepers on their perfectly-held (as if by robot hands) cell-phone screens.

* A man obsessed with hot dogs, for -- among other reasons -- their "cool [penis] shape."

* Mark Wahlberg, again as a serious science teacher, preaching the legitimacy of mood rings.

* John Leguizamo (aka "Johnny Legs") and his little girl appearing in the movie for no real reason. Perhaps, Jurassic Park style, to show Zooey Deschanel that she wants children after all? (In the end, it turns out, she does, proving once again that you are only worth anything as a woman if you give birth.)

* John Leguizamo insisting that the best way to get through a panic attack is to try to work out math riddles. Then, once someone (surprisingly) has gotten through the attack this way, overemphasizing the importance of the answer of the math riddle, as if it's a metaphor for life.

* Mark Wahlberg getting up in people's grills for no real reason, for example snatching the cell phone from a woman whose daughter is dying on the other line (after the woman puts the death on speaker phone for complete strangers to listen to).

* An entire group of people, of all ages, who can't figure out that they are in a model home--which apparently the audience isn't supposed to figure out either, since there is a musical sting when the "model home" sign is revealed. Note: the fact that it's a model home is of no significance.

* Zooey Deschanel, married to Mark Wahlberg, guiltily telling her husband that she has been on a date with someone else, to which Wahlberg responds with a charming joke, showing that infidelity really doesn't matter much to him: in fact, it's merely cute.

* Two twelve-year-old boys getting shot in the head after inexplicably shifting from merely annoying to homicidal in two seconds.

* Mark Wahlberg singing Doobie Brothers songs for no reason.

* A family of eight or so watching television in a bathtub, in a scene that isn't supposed to be comedic.

* Zooey Deschanel and a little girl, in the middle of an epidemic, happily playing with a frog in a former slave hideaway, complete with speaking tube through which she communicates with Mark Wahlberg.

* After establishing for an hour and twenty minutes that something in the air is killing people, Zooey Deschanel still not being sure why she should close the windows.

* Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel attempting to explain their personal problems, through metaphor, by saying they've forgotten what color "love" is on the mood ring.

* Zooey Deschanel giving the little girl a cumbersome picture-framed picture of her dead parents to take to her first day of school, so that she can grieve properly and openly during recess.

* A movie in which the premise is actually established early on, but instead of simply following through with the premise and maybe showing us something exciting that results from the premise, pretends that the audience doesn't know what the premise is and offers us red herrings throughout so that we can figure out Shyamalan's usual trick ending. The trick this time: there isn't one. It's what he told us in the first ten or so minutes.

* The most elaborate red herring: a stereotypical southern woman who offers a hungry child dinner only to slap her hand when she grabs for food, later giving it to her. The woman becomes obsessed with the child, Mark Wahlberg, and Zooey Deschanel stealing her things (especially an old doll). In reaction to her weirdness, Mark Wahlberg feels he can explain it all to her. His explanation? "See, I'm a teacher..."

* Forty-five minutes worth of grass and leaves blowing in the wind.