Rusty Spell Is The Antichrist

Two years ago, I moved into a house whose number is 666. Since that time, I've become convinced of something:

I am the Antichrist
These are only a few, but I looked up several characteristics to be found in the Antichrist, and I fit them all. You can find these and more scattered throughout the internet. Read and believe!

The name of the Antichrist will be associated with the number 666, but in a hidden way: There are five letters in each of my names: Rusty Wayne Spell (555). To have six letters in each would be way too obvious.

He will expect the world to worship him: I'm famously known as an egoist.

He will speak boastfully: And why shouldn't I? I'm the best!

Many will wonder after him: I haven't met anyone who hasn't, at some time or another, wondered what I was doing and what my deal was.

His arrival will be accompanied by miracles, signs, and wonders: In 1975, the year I was born, Microsoft is formed, the Vietnam War ends, the US and the Soviet Union have a hand-shake in space, Jaws becomes the first blockbuster, both VHS and Beta are introduced, Saturday Night Live debuts, and BIC creates a disposable razor.

He is both a political and a religious power in one: I have both attended church and voted in elections.

He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors: Most of family were Baptists. I'm not.

Power shall be given to him over all tongues: I'm pretty savvy with Babel Fish, the online language translator.

He is a blasphemer: I create a comic strip called Bible Stories which at least one person has considered blasphemous. Some might consider what you're reading right now to be blasphemous.

He will not answer to a higher authority: As a professor of English, I don't really have much of a "boss," at least no one who's always looking over my shoulder. I'm pretty much left to write my syllabus how I like and conduct my class however I like. As it says in the book of Daniel 11:36, "He will do as he pleases."

He will be liked by many: I'm a pretty likeable guy. In high school, I considered myself a "floater," someone who didn't necessarily make friends with just one clique. I thought all that Breakfast Club stuff was foolish.

He will survive a fatal injury: For a little kid, slamming into a Big Wheel at the bottom of a hill can be fatal, but it only left a little scar above my lip.

He will not desire women: While once upon a time this certainly wasn't true, these days I'm a one woman man, so I don't desire "women" at all.

He will deny both the father and the son: My dad once asked me to make him a glass of tea and I told him I was busy. His son (my brother) once asked to borrow five bucks and I said I needed it.

He will rise up against the Prince of princes: Even though I have pretty much all of Prince's albums, I get bored with some of them, mostly preferring the 1980s stuff, especially with the Revolution. I've written as much in my music reviews if you need proof.

He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to honor himself: In my house, since I'm the tallest, I'm the one who switches the wall calendars every month. And if you look on all of my calendars, a reminder for my birthday is prominently featured.

He will exterminate three nations: I haven't played the board game Risk all that much, and I'm not very good at it. But once I managed to conquer Brazil, Peru, and Venezuela from the South American continent before being defeated by my little sister.

He will take the Lord's name in vain: Why don't you believe I'm the Antichrist yet, goddamn it!

He will claim to be God: I am God.


Who else but the Antichrist could be charismatic enough to land such a hottie?

Hitler?

Gold-Plated Turds vs. Doo Doo Mouth

These days, is there any real difference between George Lucas and Michael McDonald?

Things You'll Get To Experience If You Watch The Happening

* The word happening being used over and over.

* The revelation of five or six news articles Shyamalan read and thought were interesting, from which he culled the premise of the movie.

* 60% of the story being told through cell phones and scenes from the news.

* Dialogue that wouldn't be uttered by any human being, such as offenders of the "show don't tell" policy that are almost as bad as those from Revenge of the Sith. Example: "I understand why you are whispering. I don't like to show my emotions either."

* Sometimes creative (lawn mower over body), sometimes mundane (sliced wrist) killings that happen anytime even Shyamalan feels someone might get bored.

* Mark Wahlberg, as a science teacher, pulling teeth to get his students to become better scientific thinkers, only to -- one second later -- tell them that science just makes stuff up "for the books" but that only God (or whatever) knows what's really going on.

* Mark Wahlberg hitting on his teenage male student, telling the student he has "a perfect face."

* Complete strangers showing Mark Wahlberg YouTube footage of lions mauling zookeepers on their perfectly-held (as if by robot hands) cell-phone screens.

* A man obsessed with hot dogs, for -- among other reasons -- their "cool [penis] shape."

* Mark Wahlberg, again as a serious science teacher, preaching the legitimacy of mood rings.

* John Leguizamo (aka "Johnny Legs") and his little girl appearing in the movie for no real reason. Perhaps, Jurassic Park style, to show Zooey Deschanel that she wants children after all? (In the end, it turns out, she does, proving once again that you are only worth anything as a woman if you give birth.)

* John Leguizamo insisting that the best way to get through a panic attack is to try to work out math riddles. Then, once someone (surprisingly) has gotten through the attack this way, overemphasizing the importance of the answer of the math riddle, as if it's a metaphor for life.

* Mark Wahlberg getting up in people's grills for no real reason, for example snatching the cell phone from a woman whose daughter is dying on the other line (after the woman puts the death on speaker phone for complete strangers to listen to).

* An entire group of people, of all ages, who can't figure out that they are in a model home--which apparently the audience isn't supposed to figure out either, since there is a musical sting when the "model home" sign is revealed. Note: the fact that it's a model home is of no significance.

* Zooey Deschanel, married to Mark Wahlberg, guiltily telling her husband that she has been on a date with someone else, to which Wahlberg responds with a charming joke, showing that infidelity really doesn't matter much to him: in fact, it's merely cute.

* Two twelve-year-old boys getting shot in the head after inexplicably shifting from merely annoying to homicidal in two seconds.

* Mark Wahlberg singing Doobie Brothers songs for no reason.

* A family of eight or so watching television in a bathtub, in a scene that isn't supposed to be comedic.

* Zooey Deschanel and a little girl, in the middle of an epidemic, happily playing with a frog in a former slave hideaway, complete with speaking tube through which she communicates with Mark Wahlberg.

* After establishing for an hour and twenty minutes that something in the air is killing people, Zooey Deschanel still not being sure why she should close the windows.

* Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel attempting to explain their personal problems, through metaphor, by saying they've forgotten what color "love" is on the mood ring.

* Zooey Deschanel giving the little girl a cumbersome picture-framed picture of her dead parents to take to her first day of school, so that she can grieve properly and openly during recess.

* A movie in which the premise is actually established early on, but instead of simply following through with the premise and maybe showing us something exciting that results from the premise, pretends that the audience doesn't know what the premise is and offers us red herrings throughout so that we can figure out Shyamalan's usual trick ending. The trick this time: there isn't one. It's what he told us in the first ten or so minutes.

* The most elaborate red herring: a stereotypical southern woman who offers a hungry child dinner only to slap her hand when she grabs for food, later giving it to her. The woman becomes obsessed with the child, Mark Wahlberg, and Zooey Deschanel stealing her things (especially an old doll). In reaction to her weirdness, Mark Wahlberg feels he can explain it all to her. His explanation? "See, I'm a teacher..."

* Forty-five minutes worth of grass and leaves blowing in the wind.

American Presidents

20 Ways To Save Time and Money and Live a More Productive and Happy Life

1. Reduce your number of life-long friends. They will thank you later when they realize you've given them valuable time normally spent visiting or talking on the phone.
   
2. Search for hidden messages in places where no hidden messages could possibly be. You'll be surprised at what you'll find out and what people have been hiding from you!
   
3. Take junk mail, scan it into your computer, load it into Photoshop, then erase the image. Print this out and you'll have free paper!
   
4. Use a bank's parking lot as a short cut.
   
5. Make your high school English teacher happy by calling her up and telling her you finally read that book you were supposed to read for class and that you really enjoyed it.
   
6. Feel better about the homeless situation when you realize that many are too insane to know any better.
   
7. Buy several stereos with tape decks built in. Tune in to every radio station available in your area and tape hours of programming. Use the hours of taped recordings to reconstruct classic albums and save hundreds of dollars!
   
8. Hold the Octoberfest in your town in September and then again in November. This will attract thousands to your city.
   
9. Empty Pixy Stix into cups of water to save on Kool-Aid costs.
   
10. Create a Sparknotes-style web page for popular songs. Soon teenagers will no longer feel the need to listen to the music you hate.
    
11. Write a program that helps you learn basic computing skills.
    
12. Have a conversation with a realtor in which you pretend to be knowledgeable about soybean futures. Then, at the last minute, buy a house from them. "Flip" the house and use the money to buy stock in soybeans.
    
13. Don't try to do it all at once. Alternate your days: odd days to live your life and even days to blog about it.
    
14. Earn those Cub Scout and Brownie merit badges you never got around to.
    
15. Use your previous census information for the current census.
    
16. Instead of making "to-do" lists, try drawing the things you need to do instead. Stick figures are okay for those not artistically inclined.
    
17. Discover even more uses for the paper towel.
    
18. Write your grocery list and home address in spray paint on city buildings. Most likely, you'll never have to go shopping for food again.
    
19. Insist to your friends and family that you are a time-traveler or alien. Use their reactions to write a more authentic sci-fi/fantasy screenplay.
    
20. If you don't have children yet, go ahead and make birthday cards, Father's Day cards, Valentine's Day cards, etc. for yourself. When your kids are born, give them the cards to give you. This will save them time and reduce their stress levels. Remember: it's not all about you.
    

Things I Found Sexy as a Kid

Age 0-4: Linda Carter as Wonder Woman


Thrill to the orgasmic burst of energy as she changes from sexy secretary to sexy superhero who will chase you down and tie you up with a truth rope.


Wonder Woman indeed.

Age 4: Raquel Welch as a Necroton on Mork and Mindy


The first time I watched this episode, I had to turn it off because it bothered me as much as Mork is being bothered.

Age 6-7: Becky Perle on The Kid Super Power Hour with Shazam!


This outfit was truly too sexy for young children. I see now that Malo McCaslin wasn't too shabby either. Jim Greenleaf seems to be enjoying himself on his "organ."

Age 12: Madonna in "Open Your Heart"


I've probably seen this more than any other music video thanks to the power it had over me.